flawed human

I’m a flawed human. Before it seems like I’m imparting some knowledge, know that I cannot influence someone else’s life, let alone my own.

While sitting idle, I had a revelation today - an absurd but relaxing thought. And what I write below is based on my perspective of this world.

From very early on in life, I realized that photography is my passion. The act of stopping a moment of this world in a frame has fascinated me always. By the time I finished my 10th, I had decided that photography should also become my career choice.

In the following years, a lot had happened. I started to read/talk about photography feverishly to the point that my passion became my self-esteem. Anyone who opposed my views was a threat to my ego. I had a couple of fallouts with close ones, failed to understand their viewpoints and situations that generally ensue in such an environment.

Just as you find peaceful greenery in nature, there are also quicksands, which are dangerous and tenacious. I understood this on my exposure to earning money, trying to become a little independent for the first time.

Why am I telling this story? You might wonder. What’s the point of all this rhetoric?

In the past, I had no camera which I considered was a setback for not being able to photograph.

Then I worked, earned and bought a camera. Now my setbacks were: No flash, no tripod, no filters, no essential accessories.

Then I earned some more and bought those too! Now my setbacks were - Oh the weather is unfavorable, I don’t have good subjects, no one appreciates my work.

After months if not years of constant thinking, I left my job. To live my purpose, which I assumed is to make a career in photography. It isn’t hard to guess that I failed miserably. No, I’m not saying this to seek sympathy but to reveal a simple fact.

These few months have been very inclusive for all of us. Either we embraced ourselves or questioned and hated our intellect. When you have a lot of time at hand and nothing to do, this is what you end up to - reflection on your self.

My reflections were something like:

●      What I have ever known are all feeble ideas, ready to be shattered anytime.

●      People whom I thought knew less than I do, have lived a far peaceful life in comparison.

●      The ones that I had given the altar to dictate my choices they always did so with a vague general understanding of their world which isn’t even their fault.

●      As much as you need to be individually capable, people are equally important. One day you will yearn to talk to someone, anyone. Loneliness can be tormenting.

●      Empathy towards others and yourself is paramount. There is no good in holding yourself or others at fault. Only when you let go of pain, you feel sated.

●      Letting go is necessary, sometimes you have to drain your overfilled jar of emotions. A person can only store so much.

●      I have drifted off-topic again, haven’t I? Trust me, there is a closure.

When I couldn’t make photography my career within the few months that I had allotted myself after leaving the job, I had constant breakdowns. I became a closed person, always sulking, thought of myself as a failure.

That, there, is one of my biggest mistakes in life: Considering myself a failure too soon.

I have hardly done enough in my life to be finalizing everything and checking if I’m a success or a failure. There is a lot left to do, a lot of mistakes to learn from, a lot of experiences to discover.

So I ask myself, What was my passion?

Answer: It was photography.

So what should be a failure, if it ever happens to manifest?

Answer: Not being able to photograph.

If failure was not being able to make photographs then I never failed. In fact, I had made my dream a reality, worked for it, lived it and that is truly a success.

Then why did I fall into despair when I could not earn money through photography? Perhaps, my perception of my dream was distorted. I had manipulated myself into believing that success is when I make a living out of photography and get famous.

Whether I earn through photography or not, whether it becomes my career or not, it would never be a failure or a success. It will become just an afterword in the book that already has a good ending.

This thought relaxes me. Makes me realize how complicated we have become. How much guilty we hold ourselves and others through the lens of today’s standards of society which is already foggy.

I’m a flawed human. Learning and re-learning every day. I will never be able to tell how anyone should live their life. But I know that sadness decreases over time. If we aren’t gravely rough on ourselves, through empathy - we will make something meaningful of our lives someday.

“There is no end. It is simply the end of the old times, Loki, and the beginning of the new times. Rebirth always follows death.” -Neil Gaiman